I am a bit tone-deaf when it comes to rhythm, but from my point of view, this is going somewhere. The 'creep' is settling in and I can feel it; specifically, the line 'breath bleeding blooming, i exhale gloom and inhale sound' is a highlight for me. I agree that this needs more time in the oven. Because of the ending and the second stanza ('wind wrapped song and leaf...'), there is a hint that this leads somewhere. You could treat this as a mini-story. You’ve already set the scene; now you just need to make it punchy. Since the second stanza is also a bit shorter compared to the first (3 lines vs. 5 lines), I think you could add a Volta to make the ending stick.